Confusions

How could i possibly sort it out when i'm confused about everything? But i'm trying.

First of all, I'm not sure what i want, for career, for personal life, for fun etc. I don't have a strong belief system; then i don't have a clue on what to stick to.

Even though i'm not 85% sure that i'd like to become a high school English teacher and I'm working on it, i'm not 100% sure that's what i really want to do. For one, I'm not sure i am capable of dealing with high school students; not knowledge-wise, but in terms of management, I'm just not good at it. For another, my philosophy somehow does not match the reality. I kind of hope that me and my students could build up a relation of equality, respect, independence, even democracy and so. But are high school students mature enough to handle my 'loose' approach?
Subject-wise, i hope i will be able to integrate listening, speaking, reading, writing, vocabulary and culture into a holistic teaching methodology. It surely requires a lot of effort for myself; but meanwhile, with the test-oriented assessment and evaluation system here, is it possible? or is it very likely that I would end up like many other teachers--strive only for good test sores. Well, some people criticize the emphasis on test scores, but for me personally, getting good test scores should be part of quality education. How could you argue you are qualified if you fail to do well in the 'stupid tests'?
This is complicated enough, not enough language emersion time; too many subjects for students to deal with etc, these are all making things very difficult. I'd like the challenge, but the only thing i have fear about is the wide gap between my philosophy&expectations&ambitions and the reality.

Then personal life-wise, there are still a lot of confusions. And the essential reason is that i don't know what i want. As to where to go after graduation, I don't have a strong reason to go anywhere, staying in Beijing or moving to someplace else, it doesn't really matter to me. Some girls classmates go to cities where their boyfriends are; but i don't have a boyfriend (but we have to admit that this could be also very hard sometimes), and my parents are kind of easy with any decision i make. Then with the thought that i should be settle somewhere close to my hometown, and of course it has to be more developed than my hometown; then Nanjing became a good choice. But I'm not excited about it.

In terms of relationship, I don't know what kind of guy i want. I'm a creature of feelings and emotions, and fantasies. Usually i don't think, i feel. Then consequently, i tend to fancy (probably only British people would use 'fancy' this way) guys that are not in the circle of my life (i also have to admit that i have a very very small circle), and our lives are not likely to overlap. However, that's what i do. It reminds me of Liangliang, she is quite a romantic, probably more romantic than me. She said she could live on the memory of it, I once asked myself, well, could i?
Then it comes the confusion again. And I've been struggling: do i really want to stick to my idealism and romanticism and end up alone? or deep inside do i want a normal and mundane life and give in to reality?
People talk about Yuanfen, or the right person is waiting for you right in the corner and he will come out at the right time... I don't believe in them. And you cannot really 'see how it goes' or just 'let it be', you are either giving up or doing something to get what you want, there is nothing like 顺其自然.

Moreover, there is this issue: stability vs. adventures. Traditionally, people want to get a job with good stability (which originates in the situation in China. If you don't get a job like civil servants or teachers or state-owned enterprises, or a job with good social securities, you'll have a hard time when you are too old to work for money). I do too; but inside me, there is this voice telling me you should do something different and 'adventurous' (this is not adventurous in the real sense, but something that is opposed to stable) and see more about the world. The social situation here does not really agree with this. In developed countries, people don't have to worry too much about fulfilling the basic physical and material needs so they go travel in other countries (and it's cheaper) and so, but it's not the case here.

Life is basically a paradox, you like someone even though they annoy you sometimes; you want things but you are too afraid of the consequences or you are on the horns of a dilemma if you could take the risks while seeing the possibility that it might not work out; like in 'An Education', you do something hard and boring right now so that in the future you can work at some job that is just as hard and boring; there are so many more.